After I found out about the affair, I went back and analyzed any flags that I failed to address at any point in our marriage. One of the flags I ignored, were the the times he listened to Paramore. I noticed a shift in his mood and behavior when he listened to their music. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it was as if he was tapping into a secret, fantasy-like self, that he wished he could be. I don’t know how else to describe it. It was heavy, felt dirty, and made me feel extremely uncomfortable, but I blew it off.
It wasn’t until recently that he was able to recognize and own that listening to a particular album brings to mind a previous inappropriate relationship.
“Music acts like a magic key, to which the most tightly closed heart opens.” ― Maria Augusta von Trapp
A couple of days ago, I was shuffling through YouTube on our AppleTV, looking to catch up on some John Oliver, when I noticed a subscription for the first time; the band Paramore have their own channel and my husband is a subscriber. Seeing this subscription on our account not only reminded me of those uncomfortable moments I mentioned above, but it made me wonder if he was listening to their music recently.
Anything Paramore = Trigger
My heart began pounding as loud as the voice inside my head that screamed, “Burris is listening to Paramore’s music! He is cheating on you again!”. Right away, I asked my husband when he subscribed to the channel, and though his answer was what I had hoped (a long time ago), it was too late. I was triggered, and I didn’t believe him.
Not only did this trigger bring me immediate pain in the moment, it also brought forth the archived pain from last fall. That means I was getting a double dose of pain.
Triggers, though abundant, and raw in the moment, do not have the final say over me or my marriage.
Any song, music video, iPod list, or magazine article that feautures this band is off limits to me, perhaps until my life is finished, but as I share certain triggers in light of our story, it is important to remember the main purpose of them in my story (and yours), which is their ability to drive me to the cross. The biggest event in history, when God put on flesh and died 2015 years ago for heinous sins like adultery, means that His love is more powerful over me than any pain a trigger can cause.
The only, and I truly mean only reason I am able to stand and face the day in light of moments that buckle my knees, is the hope that lay before me in Christ;
“he has sent me to bind the broken-hearted.” (Isaiah 61:1)
Let’s head back to the counselor’s office, where we received some practical tools that help us navigate the difficult moments after a trigger happens…
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