Manage Sibling Conflict and Stop Laying Down Your Peace

We have 7 kids ranging in age from 6 months to 12 years old. With that many kiddos, the bickering and tattle-telling is….um, shall I say teaching me critical interpersonal relationship skills?? LOL.

Especially during the times when the kids are on any kind of vacation or school break, or when we’re in transition, moments of conflict get amplified. The negative behavior and strong emotions get kicked up a notch.

I want to remind you (because it’s sometimes hard to remember), these are the good days. But I also want to acknowledge that these can be the hard days, too. And even among generally healthy relationships, conflict is a reality and that’s ok. 

The good news is that hard is not bad. Hard equals refinement. And setting the proper expectations, taking into account developmental stages, will increase your peace. 

It’s a good idea to mentally prepare for times of higher conflict and power struggles. Transitions, school vacations and downtime often increase sibling conflict (and hey, I’ll let you in on a little secret….it’s not just your family!).

We need to learn how to increase our capacity. When we’re in a transition, we can maintain a position of peace and have perseverance during the bickering, the meaningless arguments and downright sinful fights. We can get overwhelmed and resentful really fast–our own emotions can lead to even more agony when we’re not proactively protecting our peace. 

six tips to start using today

These six helpful tips can help you enjoy summer break, your move to a new house or any change that brings with it significant stress.

The first tip is to think of your home as an incubator. This is the place where kids are meant to learn biblical conflict resolution skills. Their siblings are the safest people to practice biblical conflict resolution with. Every time they bring me all their woes and their troubles, it is an invitation to practice how to make it right. It has helped me remember when I’m standing over the sink and I hear the stomping of kids coming in to to tell me again that so and so did this or that to them, that this is a safe place–another opportunity for us to learn deeper Biblical conflict resolution. 

The second tip that helps me stay in a position of peace is when I reframe my role. When I remember that breaking up fights and teaching healthy ways to argue is not an inconvenient part of my day–it’s a teaching opportunity. When I see it as part of my ministry as a parent, it takes the edge off and is a great way to look at it. Is that always easy? No, I’m a human and sometimes I’m tired. I am right there with you. However, I do believe we’re capable of finding more meaning and satisfaction in this key role. God has called us all to cultivate and raise Godly kids. I thank God in advance during my morning prayers for equipping me with everything I need that day to do it. And the good news is that He’s equipped you, too. 

Tip number three is having reasonable expectations. Ahem, speaking of my desire for a clean quiet and kind house at all times…

Sure this is something I desire, but I have learned that there are seasons (especially during the early years) when I must extend grace to the kids in this respect. I must be more laid back and adjust my expectations to what is reasonable for that season. There will also be seasons of sibling rivalry and sibling fighting. It doesn’t mean this is forever. Oftentimes, the best sibling relationships are forged during times of intense (constructive) conflict and the hard work of improving family dynamics. 

If I have expectations that bad behavior is not going to happen in my day to day, my day is almost immediately ruined. You know, gratitude is just a magnet for miracles, right?  So having reasonable expectations really helps me. 

Tip number four is having simple and clear family rules that all the kids understand and can recite.

In our home, we have three simple rules that even the three year old remembers. 

1. Have fun.
2. Be safe.
3. Love others.

A lot of the times, my most difficult parenting days have been the days that I didn’t have clear rules and expectations.

With three simple rules like this, it makes it easy to know how to respond when you hear the stomping heading your way. 

Here’s an example: let’s say two of the kids come in the door and one says, “Mom, Mooo-oooo-ooommmm! So-and-so did this and they did this and they did that!” They have come to me as the good, right judge and they say–without using the words–I demand justice.  And then the other responds with similar accusations and it just escalates from there. There’s a lot of finger pointing and blaming. 

Having three simple and clear rules in place, allows me to easily ask them, “Guys, what are our three rules?” And they recite them. In turn, I explain to them how they’re both out of alignment with our rules. And it’s possible that both are equally participating in being unloving. 

Tip number five is to employ our family’s protocol for resolving conflict. This has cultivated a lot of peace in our home when it comes to handling bickering and fighting 

First of all, we recite the three rules and we confess which one we are out of alignment with. So whoever goes first (probably the person who came into tattletale and fight first),  I usually have them go first and I say, “Hey, what are our three rules? ” And they’ll say, “Have fun, be safe, love others.”  And I will ask them which one do you think you are not aligning with right now? And they’ll almost always say I’m not being loving. What I did was unloving. The second thing we do is we ask forgiveness from each other. So after we’ve confessed which of the three rules that we’ve broken, we ask forgiveness.  And then number three, we will say out loud and openly confess it to the Lord and ask the Holy Spirit to forgive us. The reason we do this is I’m teaching my kids what the Bible says, which is that when you ask for your sins to be forgiven, God is faithful to forgive you and he will cleanse you from all evil.

The sixth tip is to remember how important peace is.  I view every conflict as an opportunity to reveal how valuable the gospel is. Do you notice what has happened here, even in the progression of everything that I’ve shared with you? The first thing I said is, Hey, our home is the safest place to learn conflict resolution–Biblical conflict resolution. Our children are safe. They can fight with each other. They can duke it out and we’re going to do biblical conflict resolution together. It’s not an inconvenience to my day. This is my job. This is my calling. This is what God has asked me to do as a parent. And I have reasonable expectations today. You see how all this is like building on itself when I have reasonable expectations? And I am ready now with the three simple rules that I had in my pocket–which is we have fun. we are going to be safe and we’re going to love others. Then comes the protocol, right?  So my kids may not  have determined that they are in relationship with the Lord. They may not have claimed Jesus as their Lord and Savior yet, but when we have a protocol for how God asks us to do conflict resolution. I’m training my kids in what true forgiveness looks like. 

This is where we actually celebrate and thank God and marvel at his mercy and goodness.  I was telling my husband just yesterday that when our kids strip back all the finger pointing and the blaming and they get honest about their ways…oh my goodness, we just cannot help but love and respect them more. 

This is such holy work when we understand that God is calling us to participate in their receiving of his mercy and forgiveness. It’s pretty beautiful if you think about it. Take courage, friend. And remember sometimes you just  need a nap and a snack and the acknowledgement that this is not a simple job.  

These six tips are not going to make this an overnight thing, okay? I’ve been doing this for a couple years now. You’re going to stumble as you practice, but I assure you it doesn’t get easier. Parenting doesn’t get easier, but you get better. And if you start using these six tips in your parenting, you’re going to enjoy it so much more. 

a home fueled by the peace of God

A home that is fueled by the peace of God, which dwells richly in your heart, that’s going to be really hard for your kids to forget and walk away from when they’re older. In case you’ve been wondering if your kids are going to end up having a relationship with the Lord, just remember this–it’s going to be really hard for them to walk away when you are investing in this kind of capacity.

I believe as we walk in the light and we operate our homes by the power of the Holy Spirit under the rule and reign of God’s word, it’s going to be the same for our kids. They may wander, but they will gravitate back to the blessings of our almighty God.  Maybe bickering and fighting isn’t that big of a problem today. Maybe, just maybe, you won’t lay down your peace even after the 99th time they walk in and point fingers. 

Thank you for sharing in this parenting adventure with me! I p