When Kids Lay Down Their Peace – with Averie Burris

Hi, friend! I want to share this podcast transcript with you from the Peace on Purpose podcast in which I interviewed none other than my daughter, Averie! We discussed the topic of worry and the ways that worry affects kids. It was so fun to interview her and I’m excited to share this with you!

LB: Parenting is full of opportunities for us to lay down our peace, but one of the things that I have found very interesting in my home as our young children grow up is my ability to watch them lay down their peace. And one of the coolest things that we have going on in our house right now is the ability to talk about it. I did not grow up in a home where we talked about wrongdoings, bad behavior, our feelings, our worries, our concerns. And yet…they were running rampant.  I grew up in Michigan. We don’t talk about pink elephants, even if we see them dancing in the room. We ignore it. We don’t show it. We just move on. I grew up and was raised by a long line of women who were constantly worried about everything, yet we didn’t really talk about it. My mom and my grandmother…everybody I knew was just like this is the way of life. If you’re worried, welcome in our boat. There’s nothing we can do. 

I’m going to train you how to live life even if you’re worried. In my podcast intro, I include the phrase that “worry ran in my family until it ran into me”. And one of the ways that we disarm worry in our house, especially with the children, is we talk about it. Guess what? Kids worry. They see you being worried, and they ask themselves, should I be worried?  We need to help children navigate this area. The conversation I want to invite you into today is one that is so fruitful in our house. We talk to our kids about laying down their peace and they actually are being trained in ways where we acknowledge that there’s worry on the scene, but we don’t have to live and stay there. These self-regulation skills will go on to help them throughout their entire lives. 

my favorite podcast guest ever

So without further ado, I’m going to introduce you to my beautiful oldest daughter, Averie. She’s 11 years old, about to be 12. I’m going to ask her a few questions about what it’s like to live with someone who is learning about their peace and how to live in it at all times. So, I have a question for you, Averie.

Do kids lay down their peace?

Averie: All the time.  

LB: Tell me more about that. What’s something that you’ve been worried about? 

Averie: I have a lot of siblings. It’s hard to have patience with them when there’s so many around me and stuff.   

LB: So Avery is a firstborn and she loves to honor our rules and she also takes it upon herself sometimes to help her brothers and sisters also obey if they’re not making wise decisions. Tell me how you lay down your peace when all your brothers and sisters are disobeying me and you want them to obey and there are power struggles.

Averie: One of the ways that I lay down my peace when everyone’s around is that I don’t want them to get in trouble and for you to think I participated in that when they’re not making good decisions. .  

LB: So what does it look like when you’re worried about that?

Averie: I just don’t want to get in trouble and I don’t want to get them in trouble. I just want it to be fine and not as chaotic and for them to make good choices. 

LB: Yeah, so tell me what happens when everybody starts being really loud and they and they start dishonoring mom and dad and then you are afraid that we’re going to have to stop all the fun in order to do discipline? What goes through your mind, specifically, when that’s happening? 

Averie: My mind usually says, I wish to stop this. It’s hard to stop it when there’s like seven people in the room and it’s hard to know the best way to handle it. 

LB: Which often comes out as like you being pretty mad sometimes, right? Big emotions, huh?

Averie: Yeah, and impatient. Like, really impatient. And it hurts my feelings much of the time. Sometimes I don’t have a good attitude.

on fitting in

LB: What’s one way that you lay down your peace when it comes to your school? 

Averie: I’m never gonna fit in.  

LB: Yikes. So, when you feel like you don’t fit in, would you say you often feel  embarrassed or maybe slow to raise your hand to answer a question even if you have a good idea? 

Averie: Yes. Raising my hand can be a little difficult, because I have to think in two minutes, is this going to be the perfect thing I’m going to say? 

LB: You want to be perfect so you will fit in? 

Averie: Yes. I’ve got to think of what I gotta say before everyone starts laughing at me. 

LB: okay, so let’s talk about the dominoes that fall. So if you think to yourself, I don’t fit in here, then your brain offers you this thought: everyone is going to make fun of me or laugh at me. Tell me how you feel when that thought comes on the scene and you feel like you’re going to have stressful situations or difficult situations?

Averie: Them laughing at me could probably mean embarrassment for me. And you gotta remember, I get embarrassed a little bit easy. I lose my peace when I’m embarrassed. When we went to church to a pumpkin festival. Well, there was bounce houses, there was candy, there were fun games, there was everything. And, well, you know that weird growth spurt that you said something about? I felt like  if I went out there, I’d be the little kid for some people. And I don’t want to feel that way because I’m almost 12.  I don’t want to do the younger things anymore like I did at a young age. And just sitting out in that position just hurts my feelings most of the time, because I know I’m still a kid.

LB: Oh, tell me more about that.  

Averie: So I have a friend in my middle school Sunday school. They like to talk, play, and just do different things than I do in their free time. Well, I saw them going to the bounce houses and with their adults, too. They weren’t embarrassed going all in. Like, they went in the bounce houses, they did everything. And I’m just like, this is hard for me, but I’m also choosing this because it’s right.  

LB: Okay, so you think it’s right to not go in the bounce houses, so that means you think they’re… um, wrong?  

Averie: To me, yes.  

LB: This is a safe place to be honest, which is funny. Do you think that there was any part of you that thought, man, I wish I could be as free to not care? Like that would be a good way to experience it?

Averie: Yes, I did. Yeah. When I meet people, I like to fit in with them. I like to be friends with them.  Well, this time I was just like they don’t realize what I’m realizing right now. 

LB: Which is funny because you don’t feel old enough to act old, but you also don’t feel young enough to act young.

Averie: Yes. Right. 

LB: I understand though, too, like there were times when I was growing up where I wanted to do more adult things and learn new skills or maybe I didn’t want to play house or play dolls anymore, but I still had friends who were even older than me that wanted to. How is that actually?  Being in a position of peace to say it’s okay that my older friends still play like young kids and it’s also okay for me to want to be more like an adult and do different activities.

“it’s safe to talk to you”

Averie: Right, so, okay, so you said like the people like to act younger. Well, it’s different for me because like I want to be like you in a younger age, make a business, right? Do all these things like start a YouTube channel. I want to do everything you do  And that’s where it’s safe to talk to you because you wanted to do everything, but you didn’t want to you felt embarrassed, too  that’s why I share my conversations with you because you’ve been with me  as I do it.

LB: Yeah, absolutely.

Averie: And giving me space, giving me time, not laying your peace down just because I’m embarrassed, that helps me. That helps me a lot.

LB: I probably don’t share this with you as much, but sometimes when I see you feeling embarrassed and then you start to do things that are awkward because you feel like it’s awkward, so then you make it awkward. I know that about her.  I’ve learned not to lay down my peace and pretend like we’re never going to have these conversations. As long as we give room for kindness and we understand a little bit why they’re doing what they’re doing, maybe putting ourselves in their shoes, and I think this is another reason why Averie has been more likely to come to me is I can sit myself in her shoes and say, Yeah, that would be hard and I understand what it’s like. I still do this today when I get in a zoom room with other entrepreneurs who have earned millions of dollars and I paid for the same service and I am being served alongside people who have obtained something that I have not obtained. I do the same things that she does, which is ask myself, do I even belong here? You know, I don’t want to look dumb. I don’t want to feel embarrassed. And so I know that if I’m feeling that, but I know how to get out of it, then it’s my delight and duty as a parent to help her learn this important skill.  

Averie: Okay, I have something to ask  you. How do you feel when you raise your hand in the middle of all these millionaires?  

LB: It depends. I don’t typically believe the first feelings that come to me. Especially if it’s like embarrassment, Maybe I don’t feel loved and accepted and it’s because I’m telling myself, I don’t belong here with these people, okay? They know more than you about money. Yeah, they’re further along in their business than I am and that’s okay, like that’s why I’m in the room, to be with other people that know how to do it so I can learn and do the hard work, right? Okay, so that being said. at first, I’ll feel silly and I’ll be hit with like 10 negative thoughts at once. I’ll feel 10 negative emotions and then I’ll stop and I’ll say, hold on. That might not be the truth. This is when the good habits kick in. And then I start telling myself things like you just you just said, I’m here to learn. I’m actually in the right room because these people can teach me how to do it. And when I start having thoughts like that, then that’s where I experience feelings of humility and peace and joy and just gratitude to be in the room. It’s a great way to flip it. Even when I walk into a room and I think someone is way more cool than me, I know not to believe that thought first. I’ve learned to say, even if I think they’re cooler than me, it’s possible I’m supposed to bless them with something I know that they don’t know and vice versa. And so there’s no person in your class who is more important than you. And that means there’s no one in that class that I’m more important than. So if we see all humans as valuable and  we can learn something from everyone, and everyone can learn something from us, then we’re more likely to feel part of that group and just get in there. You know, instead of making it about us and trying to be cool and trying to look right and say the right thing.

One of the ways that I noticed you guys were laying down your peace was when I would give you a compliment . I would say Avery, “you look so beautiful today.” But Avery feels embarrassed because her body is changing and she doesn’t feel beautiful. So when I give you a compliment, then you’re more likely to deflect that compliment. So what did you learn last year about deflecting?  

Averie: Well, when someone says a good compliment and you don’t believe it, you reject it. You take it away from someone and you’re just like, uh, the first thing that comes to mind is, I don’t believe that.  And that can be a problem also to lay down your peace, too.  

deflecting police

LB: One of the ways I can tell that you are deflecting is usually you roll your eyes, you turn your body away, you’re doing it right now, you’re like looking away, you’re playing with your hair, and you’re like, I don’t think those things about me, so when you say them, I feel  weird. I feel weird. And uncomfortable.

Averie: And when you say that, I feel the opposite. I feel like, why did she say that to me? I don’t feel it. I don’t feel different. I just look the same as usual. 

LB: There you go. Yes. I love that. This is another thing that we do is I’ll say, well it might be possible that I  believe something different than you. So if you don’t feel beautiful that day, but I think you look beautiful that day, it might be possible that you…  might feel or think differently than me and that’s okay. It doesn’t make the compliment, a lie. It doesn’t make the compliment, bad. It just means maybe you and I have different thoughts and that might be okay, right? That goes a long way toward helping them understand. 

Averie: Right. Totally. Yeah. 

LB: So last year in school,  we sat around and I would give the kids a compliment and their job was to look me in the eye and say what? Even when it was painful, they would look at me and say, thank you mom for that lovely compliment.  And we would talk about appropriate ways to receive a compliment. Then we would all just kind of laugh and I liked too that you guys started saying “don’t deflect”. I thought it was funny that you were like the deflecting police. 

Averie: Okay. So like back then when I said it to mom, like you’re beautiful, you look good for your…I don’t know…meeting. She would just come up and she would look me straight in the eyes two seconds from deflecting, and I’m just like don’t deflect my compliment, Mom. Don’t. 

LB: You mean I deflect compliments? Sometimes I have a hard time receiving them?

Averie: Yes, you do. 

LB: Yes, I do.  Which even though I do the same things my kid does, that doesn’t make me a bad parent. That makes me relatable. And that makes me someone whom they can actually trust more because I’m not trying to be in a place where I know how to not deflect and I’m great and I’ve accomplished this thing, too. It’s to say, yeah, we both do it. We’re both in the same boat. And it’s the power of the Holy Spirit in us that allows for us to be… Human, in our humanness, in our own flesh, but also recognize that we can call each other up and we can bring each other back to a place of peace because the Prince of Peace gave us the Holy Spirit.

And when we say to each other, Hey mom, don’t deflect. Or I say, Hey Avery, don’t deflect. We’re not saying that as one who never deflects. We’re saying from a position of the Holy Spirit of like, Hey, let’s both do it together. Let’s both march into this territory in our humanity and both confess let’s try to not deflect. 

Averie: Yeah, totally. 

LB: Because when you receive a compliment, it feels good. 

Averie: Yeah, it feels great. And when you hear that compliment, And you ask the Lord to not deflect, to make you not deflect, well, a lot of things good could happen to you.

You could receive that compliment and say, thank you, thank you very much, I agree with you.  

up for the challenge

LB: Yep. And again, we are constantly pushing each other to believe more and to say hey, it’s possible I’m thinking wrong. They’re thinking about this in different ways and realigning with that.  

Okay. I have another question for you. What advice or encouragement would you give to other kids who might be feeling nervous or worried about something at school?  

Averie: Honestly, I would say, I feel that too. And it doesn’t feel good.  And I would probably do something that I am still learning to do, which is ask the Lord for help. And it is safe to talk to your mom about it because she’s been through what you’ve been through. Be free and unleash what you have inside of you to your mom so she can help you. For, she is wiser than you are, and she knows more than you do in the moment.  And, yeah, that would be my advice. Psalm 119:105. The Lord is a lamp to your feet and a light to your path. Which means he knows what you’re going to be feeling next. And because he knows, you should ask him how to solve that feeling. That is one of the most important things you can do. 

LB: Is there anything you would like to tell my friends who are moms? who are maybe feeling like they’re a bad mom? 

advice for moms

Averie: Talk to your kids. Talk to your oldest. Encourage them and give them a next step. Encourage them to talk to God so they can solve problems that you don’t know how to solve. It’s always good to share thoughts, share your stories with your daughter to make her feel comfortable because you’ve been through that. 

LB: Oh, that’s such a good word. Did you guys hear that? Some of the ways that I bond with my kids is I share with them some of the things that I experienced and how I felt when I was on the school bus or at school or getting to know other people. And I will say that usually Averie will say, really?  Like, she’s so surprised. Like what? You were 11 and you felt dumb. And I would say, yeah, I’m 40 and I still feel that way only if I think that I am that way. And it gets better.  So if you are feeling hopeless, or if you’re wondering if you can teach your children this idea that they never have to lay down their peace, the answer is yes.

I lay down my peace a lot.  Yeah, I think one of the most fun conversations we have is when I’m in the kitchen, and I’m obviously worried, or I’m mad about something, and Averie will say, hey, don’t lay down your peace, and I’ll just think to myself, Yeah, it is kind of funny to be the one sharing this message because I’m acknowledging that again, I come from a long line of women who worried and I saw where it landed them.

I mean, my grandmother barely came out of her house for 20 years because she was so afraid. I remembered deciding that I didn’t want to be that worried all the time. I wanted better outcomes. I do still lay down my peace and this is why we have this conversation, but the fact that God made peace with us through his son gives us the freedom to acknowledge these conversations and understand that peace comes from God and we can talk about God and we can bring him into our worries and our fears and we can give them to him. We can pray for each other. That is another way that Averie and I continue to love each other as we pray with each other, we pray for each other, and we invite the Prince of Peace into the conversation, especially if we don’t know how to get out of worry because sometimes you and I worry at the same time, right?

Averie: Yeah, like when you worry, I feel like I should worry. 

LB: Yeah, it’s kind of contagious.  

we’ll have to do this again!

Oh, Averie, I think you are amazing. And I know that you are going to go on and be such a great leader amongst your friends and your peers and a good role model and it’s an honor to be your mom. I love how how you think of the needs of others. Thanks for being on the podcast and sharing your life’s challenges with us.  

Averie: Thank you for inviting me. This has been the funnest thing. Can we do it again? 

LB: Yeah, I think we should.  Alright, you guys.  

Averie: Hold on. Before we end this, I just want to say to those daughters who are listening,  be open to learn what your mom has to say to you. Love your parents. Share all your feels with them, grow your relationship by talking more and being open to learn, being open to share, and please do not be embarrassed.  

LB: That’s so good. What a great piece of advice–good job. I love you. And thank you guys for listening. This was probably my favorite podcast episode so far. I hope you have a wonderful week. May the Lord bless you, keep you, make His face shine upon you. I’ll see y’all next week. 

Friend, the good news is that you never have to lay down your peace. God is with you and he is giving you strength for the moment. He wants to meet you on a daily basis and give you what you need for the day. If you are new to the blog and podcast I pray that you are blessed. One of the best ways to connect is over on social media–my Instagram handle is @Leslie__burris and give the Peace on Purpose Podcast a listen!