Strategies to Stop Feeling Guilty for Having Boundaries with Jess Davis

I recently interviewed my friend and fellow coach, Jess Davis, for my podcast and I wanted to share the interview here on the blog. The interview with Jess is one I just know you’re going to learn so much from and I can’t wait to share her wisdom with you here. So, why not start now? Here’s Jess Davis with her message to “Stop Feeling Guilty for Having Boundaries.”

LB: Thanks for coming on here today to talk about boundaries. I know my audience is going to not only love you, they’re going to appreciate everything you have to say. Do you mind sharing with my audience a little bit more about yourself? 

Jess: Absolutely. I’m so excited to be here. This is something that I’ve been working on for years. I grew up on a farm in Kansas–in the middle of nowhere. My parents were divorced.  My mom remarried, so I had a step family. I also have an older brother with special needs and so there was a lot of attention that had to go to him, rightfully so because he needed a lot of extra care. I also have a parent who has chronic pain and illness. With all of that just comes neglect. Not that my physical health or needs were neglected. By and large, I was safe. But, emotionally I was left to figure things out on my own on a regular basis. I kind of raised myself in a lot of ways. I also experienced some abuse along the way, as well. It was not from my immediate family. It was from outside of the family. So there’s a lot to my story, but basically what comes out of that is an adult who’s codependent. 

I’ve always been fascinated by human behavior and the human mind. I’ve always been fascinated by how the brain works and why people think like they do and why they do what they do. In my own healing journey, I just really nerded out on learning about trauma, boundaries, emotional maturity and mental health. This is what led me to coaching. It is a really natural spot for me to be–helping women in their daily life learn new skills in the realm of taking their thoughts captive.  

how to start setting boundaries

LB: What would you say to  the person who’s listening to this who just doesn’t have peace about starting the process of setting boundaries around emotionally immature people? And when I say emotionally immature, I should probably define it. This person is ignoring their own emotions. They’re shoving their own story away. They’re ignoring unwanted thoughts. They’re very comfortable with secrets and we don’t talk about that is probably the anthem of this person’s life. And then under that banner is a smaller heading which says we never say no to each other because we’re not allowed to say no. Or, in other words. if you are in our family, we get to act and behave however we want and you’re supposed to just take it because that’s what family does. What do you say to the girl who is like I need help with that? How do I create a boundary around somebody who has believed their whole lives with radical conviction that they get to treat you however they want, there’s no consequence, and you’re supposed to take it?  What should she do?  

Jess: Well, first of all, I just want to encourage her that you don’t have to just sit and take it. Just because that person is very black and white in their thinking and rigid, it doesn’t mean that you have to accept their poor behavior. The Bible says that we are all responsible for our own conduct. An emotionally immature person is someone who is emotionally stunted. Whatever happened to them happened to them at a very young age and emotionally they stopped growing right there. Especially if they’re being really passive aggressive and pressing for answers to questions like: how come you don’t do this? And how come you don’t do that? And why don’t you go over here? When you stay calm and just kind of brush it off a little bit.

LB: That’s so helpful. What does it look like to have a boundary or give yourself permission to start distancing yourself  rom that environment more often, especially for those who have that banner that says family first always.

We get to treat each other like trash. We’re family. We don’t miss events. You’re at every event. We get to treat you like trash, and you’re at every event.

Jess: I think it’s really important to remember that, as an adult, you get to choose where and with whom you spend your time regardless of blood relation. 

LB: Do you think that has to has anything to do with your own inner healing work as a child who maybe didn’t get the permission to say no as a kid? 

your lens from childhood

Jess: Yes. Absolutely. Because if you never healed that and dealt with the root cause, then you are still living through that lens. You are still seeing everything through the lens of the child who was not allowed to say no to things. And as an adult, you have total authority and permission to say, nope. You don’t have to put yourself in a compromising position just because they are family. And the thing is people learn how to treat you by what you allow. And so if you no longer allow someone to treat you a certain way that negatively impacts your emotional well-being, they will stop. I think this is actually a really important conversation in the Christian spacebecause this is so  common. As Christians, we are responsible to one another, but we are not responsible for one another. The difference is being responsible to someone is being able to see that if someone’s burdens are too heavy for them to carry, then you can come alongside them. And from a place of joy and desire, you say let me help you with that. I’m going to do x y z to help lighten the load for you in this season. Being responsible for someone is being responsible for someone else’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. It is getting in the way  of someone experiencing the natural consequences of their choices.  

LB: So this is really what you’re saying–it’s ok and it’s good for us to get comfortable with someone who is sitting in the hard.  

Jess: Yes. If you are trying to fix or save or help people avoid the consequences of their choices, you are robbing them of their own growth and maturity. That is the opposite of love. And what we’ve learned in the church, not everywhere, but there is this is a very common message in the church that you need to you need to make sure that people are okay and have good mental health and that they’re safe. You always need to say yes, and you always need to be available. But at what cost? Boundaries are how we love ourselves and others well. Boundaries are a part of healthy relationships. 

So there are 2 things that I want to give to your listeners. The first 1 is a phrase that I teach literally everyone I come into contact with. The phrase is: “is this mine?” So when you are asked to do something or you’re invited to something, you always step back and you say, “is this mine to take on?” This signals to your brain that a conscious decision is taking place. And you will find that the majority of the time, the answer is actually no. You can respond right away and ask them to give you some time and you’ll get back to them. It gives you time and space to be able to check in with yourself and ask: “Is this really mine to take on? ” And you’ll know. You’ll feel it because we always want to look at the fruit.  So what is this producing in your heart? We’ve always got to look at that. What is this bringing up in me? And so if it’s good fruit, then it’s probably a good thing. If it’s bad fruit, probably not a good thing. 

permission slips

LB: Just for the basic, how do I know to say yes and how do I know when to back away? And, also, you’re so good at giving permission slips. I mean, you’ve written me thousands of permission slips to do some crazy great things that have helped me to just say no more often. Not out of a vindictive heart, but from this you go, girl space.

What permission slip would you give the person to politely just say no thank you this year to a family holiday gathering?  

Jess: You can honestly just say that. You can just say, “we’re gonna do this ______  instead.” And fill in the blank. And then pause and allow them to have their feelings. Remember that their feelings are not for you. They’re theirs. They belong to them, which is like boundaries 1 0 1. Whatever they’re thinking, whatever they are feeling, whatever they are doing, that belongs to them. It doesn’t belong to me. That’s a great way to look at it.

LB: Can I piggyback off of that and just say for the person for whom you feel like you need to come up with an excuse, can I tell you a philosophy that has served me so well in not laying down my peace, but taking ownership?  Instead of feeling tempted to give them an excuse why you can’t come, be comfortable and sit in the hard. This is what hard feels like. I just want to acknowledge that not giving someone an excuse, but just giving yourself permission to make a decision and then allowing that decision to not mean anything about anybody, including yourself. Let me remind you that you are in charge of your mind. But you just saying I’m going to decide to do something different this year, and I know you’re tempted to give them an excuse on why it’s okay. I just want to say, when Jess tells you pause and you don’t have to explain yourself, maybe you’re thinking to yourself, “that is so hard.” I want to say yes–this is what hard feels like. However,  this is just the first time and it gets  better. It’s a different perspective than what many of us have been raised to believe.

If you’re someone who’s never had boundaries or maybe never had good thought patterns around boundaries or maybe you’re a codependent, this is going to feel like the meanest thing you’ve ever done in your life. You’re going to feel that urge to over explain. Do not do it. You’re not on trial. You don’t have to give substantial evidence to prove why you can get out of this thing.You are a grown up and you get to say no. You can literally just say, I’m sorry, we’re not gonna be able to make it this time and leave it. You may have racing thoughts and start to waver. I want to encourage you to stand strong in this decision.

LB: If there’s anything I can tell you guys, that hard work doesn’t come easy. But thank you for being somebody who’s in the trenches and helping people learn to say this is okay. If you’ve never done this before, if you’ve never said no to someone and it’s your first time and you need a coach to help you take the deep breaths and take control of your mind, you should totally go check out Jess. You can follow her over on Instagram.  

But if there was some kind of word of encouragement you could give to somebody in addition to this, that would be great. Could you offer them encouragement and positive thoughts on why it’s important and also good for them in their mental health to say no? What would you tell her? 

good stewards

Jess: Well, you know, we’re called to be good stewards of everything that God gives us. Our own body–mental health, spiritual health,  all of that–is our responsibility. It is possible to say no and you can do it. If you’ve never done it before, you need someone to help you and walk you through it. Don’t walk alone in this. The other thing that I would say is that you’d need to have some tools. I’ve created a framework myself that is based in cognitive behavioral therapy, which is what my certification is. When the Bible says to take your thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ, then that means there’s a second part to this framework. And that is that we need to kind of do some investigating, and we need ask some some good questions. Like, is this thought true? Second of all, does God’s word line up with this thought? I call this the God filter. As in, you gotta put that thought through the God filter.  If it doesn’t match up to something in scripture, then it’s probably a lie that you’re believing. Definitely. 

LB: It is that simple, isn’t it?

Jess: It really is. Yes. In light of that truth, what am I going to do? And then is this the wise choice? The sound mind framework is what I call it and it’s a powerful tool I teach about within my course. And we also talk about identity in the course. We talk about our gifts and talents and our strengths and personality… all of that stuff. And then we talk about creating a vision for the future and habits and rhythms  You need somebody that is is walking with you through that that you can kind of practice with and even use as a filter and ask is this okay? 

on mission

I’ll wrap it up on this note. There are a lot of Christians who are wondering what their purpose is. And I really do believe that when we are so mentally and emotionally invested in the immaturity of other people, it really prevents us from stepping into the call and the assignment that God has for us. When we are so busy absorbing the immaturity around us, we can live an entire life being so guarded that we forget that we were called. We’re on mission.  We as a generation are called to be a part of God’s story. This is an era that’s part of his story, and we’re supposed to partner with him in that.

I think a lot of women wonder, “what was I made to do?” But they can’t even answer that question because they spend so much time staying in this long term cycle where they don’t have boundaries with family or friends. They’re just consumed by all this drama all the time. Whereas if they didn’t have that, what would they be doing for God’s kingdom? And that’s where self awareness really comes in handy for a positive outcome. When you know who you are, you know what your gifts are and the best way to use them, you know what your strengths are, your emotional health is strong, and you know what you’re called to do, then it’s a lot easier to then start implementing boundaries that have a direct impact because you know where they need to be. The power of thought can’t be understated here.

LB: Yeah. It’s time to step into your purpose and your design and stop being the person who’s always “the bigger person” and then getting derailed from your mission. Jess, it was just a pleasure. Let’s do this again. I would love to have you on again later on this year and chat with you more about mental health issues and new ways for living out our God-given purpose. You guys can get so much more from Jess. You can follow her on Instagram and you can get on her email list to access her sound mind framework and her course. 

Jess, thank you so much for coming on and blessing people here who are ready to ditch the panic and step into peace. Thank you. I love you. 

Jess: Thank you for having me. I’m so happy to have been a part of the good things you’re doing over here and we’ll definitely get together again. 

Friend, the good news is that you never have to lay down your peace. God is with you and he is giving you strength for the moment. He wants to meet you on a daily basis and give you what you need for the day. If you are new to the blog and podcast I pray that you are blessed. One of the best ways to connect is over on social media–my Instagram handle is @Leslie__burris and give the Peace on Purpose Podcast a listen!