Break Up with Mom Guilt and Do This Instead

I’m not much of a gambler, but if I had to take my life savings and put it on a wager, I bet you anything there isn’t a single mom on this earth who hasn’t, at the end of of some less-than-stellar day, crawled into her bed feeling full of regret and heavy with feelings of guilt over the way she treated her children that day. This blog is for the mom who wonders how in the world she can have peace in her motherhood when she is deeply aware that she’s not nailing it and is plagued with feelings of inadequacy. Can I ask you a question? Are you nailing motherhood? Do you even know a mom who feels like she is nailing motherhood…who feels like she’s a really good mom? Listen, whether you have a one week old baby or a two year old baby or an eight year old baby, a 15 year old baby, or a 50 year old baby, feelings of mom guilt are something that we are all tempted to experience, am I right? 

we’ve all been there

And honestly, when I was thinking about this blog and talking about how I broke up with mom guilt about a year ago, the mom that I have pictured in my head is the type of parent I saw at Target just the other day whose four year old was beautifully flailing around on the floor and yelling for all of us to know that she wanted her sparkly baby blue Elsa toy. And the mom was standing there mortified. It was even more intense since it was in public and there are social expectations. You should have seen the difficult time she was having–it was written all over her face. She was embarrassed. I just wanted to go up to her and hug her and tell her “take a deep breath, you’re doing a good job”, you know? I know most moms in that moment are in stress. And if I hugged her, she’d probably freak out. But I have such a heart for new moms and moms who are in the trenches–they are in the throes of motherhood. This goes for the working mom, as well as at the stay-at-home mom. 

The best way that I can describe mom guilt is this. It’s like wearing a backpack of bricks all day. Each brick represents all the sinful ways that you responded to your children. who are just being children. It’s the look on their face that you see after you lashed out at them because you told them at least 50 times already to stop doing the thing that you asked them to stop doing. We’re collecting bricks all day long during our family’s experiences, tests and trials. We may even go to bed with those backpacks on our back. And then we wonder why, when we wake up in the morning, we feel just heavy about the day and have thoughts about being a bad mother running through our heads. Are we going to nail it again? Are we going to continue in this rat race that is constantly disappointing your children and feeling the weight of motherhood and all of the guilty feelings?

mom guilt and peace are enemies

Motherhood should actually be referred to as a daily marathon of redirecting, especially if you have small children. It’s a lot of work and takes so much time, but I have to tell you the truth. Mom guilt and peace are enemies. You can’t have both. You can have one or the other and peace on purpose means that you get to be invited into a better way and today you have full permission to break up with this feeling of guilt forever and actually enjoy motherhood.

Yeah, even though it’s hard. And listen, I have seven kids and I need you to know that I know deeply what mom guilt feels like. I experienced it for the first time in a very big way when we went from one to two kids. I have to be honest with you. I have such a heart for moms who are with a two year old and I see them really, really big and pregnant and they’re about to have their second baby, I immediately stop everything in my mind and I pray for them and I ask God to bless them and give them the strength and courage for the transition that they are about to go through as they continue to add more little humans to the mix.

Transition from one to two kids was my hardest transition and I have seven today. So that tells you something. While I know deeply what mom guilt is, I want to invite you back into the time vault that is 10 years ago when my second baby, Fallon, was born.

the mom guilt backpack

That was the first time that I experienced the full backpack of mom guilt. I had guilt and negative thoughts coming from three different angles and maybe you can relate. I had guilt for my toddler, Averie, who was two years old. I felt bad that I wasn’t giving her the full attention that she used to get from me before the baby was born. We would play blocks. We would read books. I would get snacks. We would pretty much do whatever she wanted to do when she wanted to do it. And when Fallon was born, that all changed. I felt like I was always saying “just a minute…mommy’s got to change the baby’s diaper”, “just a minute….mommy’s got to feed the baby”, and on and on it went. And whatI thought would be a few minutes would turn into 40 minutes. This was a really, really heavy brick in my backpack. That is mommy guilt. One of the helpful thoughts for those of you that know exactly how this feels is to ask this simple question: whose idea was it to make me a mom? And whose idea was it to make Averie a sister?  My world was upside down and I had to learn how to let go of some of the standards that I had for Averie as an only child I had to basically rework my schedule and let go of some of the extra things that I would do for Averie. 

I will tell you, as well, that my daughters Averie and Fallon are best friends today. For the whole first year of Fallon’s life, Averie ignored her and you’d never know it now. Sometimes those expectations of siblings being best friends right of the bat have to be adjusted, too. 

Another way that I experienced mom guilt came in the form of feeling bad for my newborn. You see, when it was just my firstborn, I had the ability to give her all the attention. We got to bond in ways that my second baby and I did not get to bond. My attention was rightfully divided. I had a lot of guilt over that. That was really heavy. But then on top of it all, here’s the worst part about mom guilt. I think I had a hard time with the transition and learning to get them on nap schedules, feeding schedules, all of that–it was a lot of juggling. It was what I call in the beginning of a transition time. It was the awkward phase. I was a new mom of two kids. I’d never had two kids before ages two and under and I was giving myself such a hard time over it. I thought I should be able to handle all of the pressure better. I thought I’d be able to juggle the demands better. It was just a lot. 

So I had this overstuffed backpack of bricks–mom guilt bricks–and I felt really weighted down. I thought I had to be the perfect parent. 

it doesn’t get easier, you get better

If this describes you today,  I want you to just know that transitions are a season. They require you to lean into the grace of God more than you ever have before. He is far more merciful than you believe, and his grace is far more sufficient than you understand. It’s awkward. Embrace the awkward and just know that motherhood doesn’t get easier, but you get better. And when you have a new baby in the house or you have a new transition, I promise you, if you’re a mom with two kids, one toddler and a newborn, it gets better. Okay? Because you get better. Pretend like you’re doing reps every day. You’re like working out and you’re learning the ropes of being a mom of two kids now. You’re getting better every day as you’re just in the throes of the transition. But that was when I really ushered in mom guilt and it didn’t get any better for me for a long time. You’ve got to remember, I did not always have Peace on Purpose. And I mean it when I say that peace and mom guilt are literal enemies. But I have really, really, really good news. You might be wondering how the heck do you actually break up with mom guilt? 

I want to introduce you to ‘mom conviction’

The truth is this: mom guilt is reserved for moms who do not love God, do not delight in his word, or desire to be led by his Holy Spirit. If you’re reading this blog, that’s not you. What’s reserved for you, sweet daughter, is what I like to call mom conviction.  Mom conviction is very different from mom guilt.

Mom conviction encompasses reconciliation and restoration–it is the right thing to get us back on a Godly path. There are major differences between mom guilt and mom conviction. Mom guilt proves to mothers who don’t know God that there is a God and they are going to be accountable for their actions. Mom conviction proves that your guilt as a mother has been dealt with on the cross once and for all. You don’t play by the same rules that other moms who don’t know and love God play by. This is really good news, right? You are never required to wallow in guilt. His burden is light. And that’s either true or it’s not. If you’re reading this today and you’re wondering how to practically maintain a position of peace when it comes to your motherhood, then you need to learn how to practically say goodbye to mom guilt and learn the art of mom conviction. 

Before we do that, I want to chat about something that I think I’ve figured out. I think I’ve figured out why mom guilt, which is again reserved for godless mothers, is running so rampant among moms who are in the church and moms who are believers. I think it’s because moms are worried that they aren’t really forgiven for the way they’re doing in motherhood and I think it’s because they don’t forgive themselves.

what’s your mom standard?

Do you find that you’re not willing to let yourself off the mat? That you have a standard for your motherhood that you’re not nailing, but then instead of running to the one who loves you and can eradicate and mitigate your guilt, instead you just decide to punish yourself?

It seems like it comes from this place of worry, like when you remember the look on your sweet child’s face after you lash out at them. “I mean, what mother would do that? ” may be your thought. Is that a common thought you have? Like who would do that? Well, I had that thought…a lot…before I broke up with mom guilt. Trust me, every mother has done that. Every single one of us needs forgiveness for the way that we treat our children. And every single mother on the planet has wondered if she’ll really be forgiven. For those that love God, that thought is not in alignment with God. God clearly states that he is faithful to forgive us of our sin. When we confess it, he cleanses us from all unrighteousness. You can see John 1.  You either believe it or and you think God is lying. I don’t really think you think God is lying. 

I will tell you this. I grew up with parents whose addiction and choices in their addiction put me in danger on a regular basis. I have had to learn trusting God and His love for me and His kindness and how He has moved towards me in forgiveness. So I say this in boldness, either he says he forgives you when you ask, when you confess it and you ask for forgiveness, or you think he’s lying. I say that so boldly because it helps us to repent. 

God’s designed order

I think the reason why it’s running rampant among those who are in the church is that behind mom guilt is a mom who’s worried that she’s not really going to be forgiven. She feels really bad for the way that she’s talked to or treated her kids that day. I’m in that club. I get it. But mom conviction is so beautiful. I want to invite you to agreeing with God and all the fruit that comes when you adhere to the protocol that I call Mom Conviction. Mom Conviction comes with the realignment to God’s designed order or the way that his kingdom operates. It’s light, it’s without burden, it’s dripping with reconciliation and deep humor with meaning.

Our home runs beautifully when I reject mom guilt and the mom guilt culture and I say yes to God and I trust his word and his spirit to convict me to make things right when things need to be made right. This allows for reconciliation and restoration to a vibrant relationship with my kids. That’s the fruit of agreeing with and turning to and running to God. I’ve decided to share with you a simple mom conviction formula that I do when I hurt my kids feelings with my emotions and my actions and selfish ambition. My biggest reaction that I have with my kids is either because I don’t have very good boundaries for rest or I have fear about some other area in my life.

how this all connects to the 6 Fs

We’ve talked about the six Fs and the days that I’ve noticed that I have lack of patience with my kids comes from me being afraid of something. For example, maybe I’m worried about the finances. Maybe I laid down my peace about my finances at the end of a long, bad day and I’m thinking about the worst case scenario. Fear does really weird things to us. When our kids drop something on the floor and it breaks and we are in this position of fear in which we have laid down our peace already–that is when we are more prone to treating our children poorly. It’s like this cascade of guilt, right?  

Here’s my protocol for mom conviction, because it’s a million times better than mom guilt. When I’ve reacted in a way that I know grieves the Holy Spirit (let’s say I yelled at the kids) and the Holy Spirit is good, he will nudge me. And once everyone is calm in the situation, I stop and I go to my children and I confess to them that what I did was wrong and I apologize. That’s step one of mom conviction protocol.  

mom conviction protocol

Number one is to confess to your kids what you did wrong and apologize. This is the necessary first step.

Number two is to confess and I apologize to God in front of my kids. It’s really, really powerful. Despite all the discipleship cards and books and Bible time and all these cute little Bible studies you do with your kids, I promise you this is a hundred times more powerful than any Awana class they will ever go to. I’m not saying that Awana classes aren’t awesome, but I am saying this is so, so powerful. If this is not practiced in the home, then we’re equipping our children with the word and not being doers of the word. And being doers of the word is so important. You can see James for more information on that. I apologize. I confess and apologize to God in front of my kids and then I thank him out loud in front of my kids for forgiving me. I know this is having an eternal impact on my kids’ lives. 

Number three is to invite the Holy Spirit to come and comfort and reconcile and help us. When my kids see that I’m asking for help from the Holy Spirit in that moment, they will be more inclined to ask the Holy Spirit to help them when they have done something wrong. Isn’t this beautiful? Can you see it? Don’t neglect the crucial role you play and the example you set.

Number four is hugs. We give hugs, deep hugs.

Then number five is rinse and repeat…often. 

Let me share with you how this typically works out in my family. What’s really great about this is, again, we’re modeling. We’re modeling and saying, “what I did was wrong. I’m so sorry. I’m asking you to forgive me. And I’m confessing it to God. And I’m inviting the Holy Spirit into the moment.” And I will pray with them. I’ll hold their hands and focus on spending time with them, whatever they’re willing to let me do.

I ask for the Holy Spirit to come and comfort and to reconcile us and help us. And what I have noticed is that their faith is really budding this season because we are doing the mom conviction protocol.

When you follow the mom conviction protocol. mom guilt has nowhere to go. Did you notice that? Those who are indulging in mom guilt and wallowing in mom guilt, they’re perpetuating it and making it grow and making it heavier. But as children of light, this protocol is putting the word like boots on the ground. It has ushered in a level of peace in my home that I appreciate so much.

you have to try this

I want you to break up with mom guilt and try mom conviction because the fruit over here is so, so incredibly sweet.  

You have to remember guilt is a tool in order to woo people unto the Lord himself. That is a tool for his salvation. So I’ve got a tip for you. Not only are you going to see the fruit of this in your home with your kids and they’re going to learn the gospel message in such a powerful, tangible way, but here’s another way this is going to benefit you personally. We have to talk about the mom guilt overload on social media for a second. When I decided to break up with mom guilt and do mom conviction instead and pick my peace pack up, I had to unfollow a lot of moms that I appreciate on social media and put some boundaries on not following moms who are celebrating mom guilt and bonding over it. Do you know what I’m talking about? On social media there is this unofficial invitation to agree with certain moms that motherhood is hard. You’re gonna feel guilty all the time. This is just how it is. These moms are usually making reels that are laced with hopelessness and resentment towards their kids. As soon as a mom starts talking that way about her kids, I immediately stop and not only pray for her, but I have to guard my heart because, again, the second that I laugh or I make fun of how terrible my kids are or how I’m not nailing it as a mom, I can’t have victory over it. As soon as I laugh at it or I’m entertained by it, I can’t have victory over it. I can’t cultivate peace on purpose because you can’t serve two kingdoms. And so for those who are wallowing in mom guilt, we’re just not going to have victory over that area if we agree with it. 

put away bitterness and resentment

The word is very clear. If you read Ephesians 4:30, it says to put away all bitterness and resentment and anger. This means don’t indulge in it. It says, “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander, resentment, bitterness be put away from you, along with all malice. Instead, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you.”

Try the mom conviction route. It’s going to bless you. What you’ll notice is when you put it away, when you don’t even entertain it, you’ll have that much greater authority over it. When you don’t grieve the Holy Spirit and celebrate the mom guilt culture, you have victory over it and you really can laugh from a position of peace. Your own thoughts will be at peace, as well. 

Listen, I know how hard motherhood is. I know how hard it is to be a mom. I am one. I have seven kids. But mom conviction allows me to thrive and have a capacity that I never could have as somebody carrying around the backpack of bricks that is Mom Guilt– the celebration of resentment towards children or bonding over our guilt. It’s not necessary and it’s not what you’re called to do as a believer. The peace on purpose way is a different way and it is better. It’s the light and the darkness. It’s saying, how is she? How is she loving and enjoying motherhood while she understands that her best days need the blood of Jesus and her worst days need the blood of Jesus. Next time you’re considering how to react and you’re leaning towards mom guilt, consider the peace on purpose way. 

When you work to confess and make it right and demonstrate God’s goodness, you will have more victory and positive changes in your motherhood. Even in our failure and our assurance that it has been paid for, you will have more victory in your motherhood. There is a bond between you and your family that I can’t wait for you to experience when you implement mom conviction. It will also help to have supportive people in your life that share your goal of implementing the mom conviction protocol.

what’s in store

There will be more laughter. There will be deeper hugs. There will be a better relationship with your God. There will be better sleep. You’ll get to experience how it feels to crawl into bed and sleep deeply in delight without that heavy backpack that is mom guilt.  

That’s, of course, as long as the baby doesn’t wake up.  

I’m so glad you stopped by the blog!

Thank you for reading the blog. If this blog blessed you, there are more where that came from! More people need to know that they never, ever have to lay down their peace. If you liked what you heard here, I have more content in other places. You can find me over on Instagram and Facebook. You can also find out ways that you can partner with me or work with me for a season.

You can get more information at leslieburris. com.