Postpartum Sex from a Position of Peace

 Peace on Purpose means everything when we’re talking about reconnecting for the first time after giving birth to a baby. Bringing about new life is no small thing. So if you are somebody who is in the postpartum season or you’re about to be in the postpartum season or you’re just curious, then maybe this blog is going to help you navigate sex and peace. I really feel a little bit unqualified to talk about this topic, yet I am a little qualified to talk about this topic. For those of you who don’t know, it’ll be nine years ago this year that my husband was unfaithful for a season in our marriage. He was pursuing another woman who was a coworker and he was just checked out. To say that we didn’t have peace in the sex department would be a gross understatement. We have been through it. We have experienced times of hardship where we had a lot of anxiety. I had a lot of anxiety about reconnecting with my husband and being vulnerable. We have done the hard work of reconnecting after really hard seasons. So I suppose that qualifies me somewhat to talk about this tender topic.

reconnecting can be tough

Reconnecting with your spouse postpartum is not as difficult as reconnecting after infidelity. But you know what? It’s the same feelings that show up on the scene– vulnerability, tenderness, self-consciousness. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first baby or your seventh baby, it’s always a time of stress with physical changes, lack of sleep, and body image issues present. All of these impact your sex life. 

Something I do want to affirm is that physically being ready for sex doesn’t mean that you’re emotionally and spiritually ready to connect that way. I want to talk about how postpartum is a tender season, you may have had problems healing physically or you may have less interest. Hormonal changes may be wreaking havoc. This season needs to be approached with care. When the baby is born, that’s a new beginning and it’s such a special season. 

a tender time

For those of you guys who have multiple kids, you know that every single baby is different.  Every pregnancy can be different, every child can be different, their temperaments can be different, some babies sleep really well, some babies don’t sleep very well. Our fourth baby threw us curve balls and those curve balls were difficult to navigate. We even wondered if we should continue to have babies. This can be a stressful time for parents, right? Having a difficult baby can be hard on the dad and hard on the mom. When mom isn’t sleeping very well and she’s emotionally drained, that definitely takes a toll on the marriage. Reconnecting postpartum requires two people who are vulnerable and ready and looking forward to it. It’s such a tender time. It’s more than just your lady garden being ready. 

I often have women ask me about postpartum sex. They will say things like “even though I had a postpartum checkup and I’m physically ready, what if I’m not spiritually ready or emotionally ready?” What constitutes being ready? 

we see it as a gift

Our philosophy about sex in general is that it’s a gift to be enjoyed between married people. It is a way to achieve intimacy–two become one. It confirms the covenant relationship. It is a beautiful, beautiful picture of intimacy between a husband and wife. 

There are other schools of thought on it, of course. There are people that think of Sex as God. And there are other that think that sex is gross. Neither of those views are Biblical. 

When you think of sex as a gift, you understand that ‘cleared for sex’ doesn’t mean ‘ready for sex’. Gifts are best enjoyed when both parties are looking forward to it. Reconnecting intimately with your spouse is way more than your body being physically ready after having a baby. 

some things to consider

There are some factors to consider when assessing your readiness for sexual activities. For example, did you have a traumatic birth? We have to go there. I know a lot of women who had a traumatic birth. I’m not talking about your birth plan just not unfolding like you planned. I’m talking about women who actually endured trauma during birth, like they thought they were going to die or they thought their baby was going to die. That woman needs a minute. She needs to go and talk to somebody about her traumatic birth. To just gloss over that and hop back in the sack with your spouse after that is not peaceful. That can actually perpetuate the trauma and we need to be able to have that conversation.  

Something else to consider: is there bitterness around sleepless nights and sleep deprivation or do you have a newborn that is crying a lot? After some of my births, I have had this conversation with my husband. I’ll say, “I’m feeling bitter and I’m feeling rage and I’m feeling animosity toward you because you’re getting a good night’s sleep.” I acknowledge that bitterness has no place in a marriage and I need to repent and change my mind. This is an area of growth for me. But, let’s be honest, is that the time to reconnect with my husband from a position of peace? Maybe not. Maybe it is, but I need to be able to have these conversations with my husband and work through these complex emotions.

Something else that may be on your mind is stress about going back to work. If you have things that you’re worried about and you’re thinking about, that can really impact intimacy. Sometimes we bring all of our cares and worries into the bedroom. Again, we need to have conversations with our spouse. Maybe you’re struggling with symptoms of Postpartum Depression or you’re new parents with the baby blues. This will surely impact your intimacy and sexual interest and is another reason to talk with your husband about how you’re feeling about physical intimacy.

how to know if you’re ready

Reconnecting after the birth of a baby from a position of peace is the best way forward. Being ready for sex is more than a mother’s body being physically ready or just giving your body time to physically heal. Can I get an amen? I think you should know, too, that sexual problems are not uncommon. Time is irrelevant. It’s not six weeks postpartum. It’s not 6 months postpartum. It’s two people who are engaging in a really good conversation. You are praying through this. You’re asking the Holy Spirit to be invited into your marriage. There are going to be curve balls at every single birth and every single addition to your family. It’s good to know this going in.

So, practically speaking, how do you know you’re ready for sexual intimacy after you’ve given birth? 

You’re possibly ready if you’ve talked about and processed your birth together. You may need to get some outside help with this, especially if you’ve experience trauma associated with the birth or it was a type of birth you were not expecting to have. Sometimes your perspectives are highly emotional and it’s usually because we’re having thoughts about the birth workers that were there or maybe we were really hard on ourselves. If you have talked about and processed your birth together as a couple, you might be ready to proceed with postpartum reconnection. 

Another sign that you may be ready is that you’ve expressed to one another your fears and desires about reconnecting physically. Women, listen to me. You need this after the work of releasing your baby in light of your healing. If you’re feeling this, tell your husband how you’re feeling about your body since the birth of your baby. Lay it out there. Your marriage is the one place where somebody knows you more than anybody else on this planet. They don’t know you the way God knows you, but they are the next person in line from the Lord. It’s really important that you talk about your fears and you talk about your desires. It’s good for your husband to do that, too. My husband would say, I don’t care how you look. I just want you. I want your spirit. I want to feel you. I want to be with you. I just want to desperately reconnect with you and make love to you. For us women, that can be a little hard for us to believe. But I encourage you to open up and have these conversations. They will be healing. They will disarm your fears. 

Another way for you to know that you are possibly ready to have sex postpartum is that it is emotionally, spiritually, and physically safe to proceed.  Are sexual integrity and prayer present? Because if they are, that will help you feel safe. If you feel safe, you may be ready. 

This is a mark of a new season for your family. You have never been in this season before and you don’t have to reclaim the pre-pregnancy state of your marriage bed. It’s literally a new benchmark in your marriage, too. It’s so tender and so special. I’ll tell you, I’ve been ready at four weeks and I’ve been ready at eight months. Each addition to our family has had its own time. And sex feels different after each addition to the family.

after miscarriage or the loss of a baby

And I want to say a word real quick to those who are resuming sex after a miscarriage or the loss of a baby. I had a stillborn baby at 23 weeks and it was devastating. I was confused. My body was confused. I walked into a hospital and I held my stillborn baby for hours and I left that baby at the hospital to be taken care of and I walked home without a baby in my womb. It can be so complicated and multifaceted, but I want to invite you to this thought: making love with your husband after loss can be a way to grieve together and reconnect. It’s deeply emotional. It’s okay to be sad. You’re grieving together. I want to  remind you that God is 100% in intimacy in this department. And sometimes it is a tool for grief and it is helpful in healing. 

more connection = more peace

The more reverence and recognition that we give postpartum sex, the more connection in our marriage and the more peace that we have cultivated in our home.  

So mama, if you’re not ready yet, that’s okay. It’s not a problem unless you make it a problem. Time is a relative measurement when it comes to having sex postpartum and sexual health. Peace is a much needed thing and it’s a better way to gauge if you’re ready. The last thing you need is to feel the pressure of the clock or a calender.

Please share this with a friend that might be in a postpartum season. She might appreciate the encouragement! I hope you will find me over on Instagram and Facebook. You can also find out ways that you can partner with me or work with me for a season. You can get more information at leslieburris. com.