Strained Relationships and How to Heal with 5 Words

In 2023, I became a mother of seven kids. Literally, we’re the Von Trapp family. I never imagined being a mom of so many children, but thankfully, I didn’t know my future when I started having babies 12 years ago. Otherwise, I probably would have been curled in the fetal position and sucked my thumb. God is so kind that he extends the capacity we need for today and we can rest easy. Listen to me, friend. You can rest easy knowing that when your family grows and upgrades again, you will be gifted and met with more capacity. Okay, so if you’re thinking I could never have seven children just know that 12 years ago, I would have wholeheartedly agreed with you.

all the baby snuggles

Riven’s birth was not what I envisioned. I wanted to have a water birth. I ended up giving birth on my bed. My midwife was a huge, huge support. She held open the gate and helped me welcome this baby into the world. My son, Riven Monroe, is here and we have been soaking up all the baby snuggles and it’s been just wonderful.

If you are a worry wart, if you’re somebody who is just constantly investing in thoughts that probably will never happen, I want you to know you’re not alone. That was me a few years ago. I come from a long line of worry warts. I watched my mother be consumed by worry. I watched my grandmother be consumed by worry. I’m a first generation Peacemaker, I suppose you could say. 

Peace is a part of the fruit of the spirit.  So if you’re somebody who loves the Lord, but you have a hard time staying in a place of calm and being immovable in your faith, you are not here by accident.  I’m so, so, so glad that you’re here.  

invite only

As I continue to process the birth of our child, I realize I haven’t had many visitors. Actually, no one besides my midwife has been here to visit me in our house. For some context, my parents live in another state and so do my husband’s. We actually moved to Oklahoma where we bought like a little outside of Tulsa. Our plan is to renovate it and flip it. We’d love to sell it to somebody who wants to be a beginner homesteader. We moved here about 18 months ago and while we’ve made some friends and we’ve actively been pursuing church community, all of that takes time. I’m being honest, unless you’re a really really close friend, it feels more comfortable for new friends to drop off food and supplies instead of coming in and hanging out for extended periods of time. Unlike a hospital, which is basically public domain, our home–where we choose to have our babies–is “invite only”, you know?

That leads us right into our topic today, which is being equipped for awkward conversations. 

Postpartum is a sacred time. It’s also a vulnerable one for moms because we often don’t know what we want until we don’t want it in that moment. I get many messages from people asking how we will handle hosting visitors during this time after having a baby. Healthy family relationships is always our goal…and this means your family within your household first and foremost.

The questions that go something like this:

Hey LB, I’m not really wanting visitors during this postpartum rest. Is that okay? Yes.

Hey, LB, I really want my mom and my sister and my BFF to be at my house for three weeks with us. Is that okay? Yes.  

My past experiences have proven to me that every birth is different and every postpartum stage is different. At the end of the day, it’s such a short time in the big picture, but it is such an important time as sibling relationships begin and family bonds are strengthened.

each experience is unique

There were a couple of postpartum seasons where I wanted people around. Good friends and supportive extended family members were welcome. I didn’t feel the temptation to host, and I was okay with people walking into my well-lived space that wasn’t clean and tidy.

There were also times when I preferred no one came by to visit and just had my own family there. But yes, send food. We would love that. That is one of the best ways for people to lend a helping hand and offer practical support.

When I gave birth to our stillborn daughter, I wanted zero visitors. I wanted to grieve with my husband, children, and God. Alone. 

Mama, our job isn’t to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings during our postpartum healing and bonding. Our job isn’t to manage any potential family drama. Our job is rest. And you rest best when you guard your peace and have open dialogue about your preferences. Ask people to be flexible in understanding your family is in transition. You and your hubby decide who is a part of that special time. If you don’t have peace whilst having certain visitors because you feel the need to entertain, full stop. Don’t lay down your peace.

inner circle only

Visitor anxiety has no place in a home when mom and dad and baby and siblings are bonding. I want to hand out a permission slip to moms who need time to themselves to process their birth. I also want to acknowledge that we don’t always feel comfortable when certain family members show up during time capsule moments like that. It’s okay to have an inner circle and it’s okay to  acknowledge that sometimes the people who expected to be in that inner circle are not in that circle. I’ve said it before, but giving birth is the final act of making love and some of y’all don’t want your dad or your husband’s parents in the moment there with you. It’s not exactly the time for big family gatherings. 

Now some of you all may be laughing as you read this because you know that I went live on Instagram and had 30,000 people watching me give birth. That’s ok, I understand how strange or funny that might seem to you. But, I had a very specific reason why I was doing that. It is really near and dear to my heart this season to bring other women along to make discoveries and gain understanding about the beautiful process of birthing babies.

I grew up in a home where it was unsafe to let my requests be made known. If I did let a request be made known, I was met with a lot of unhealthy emotional drama attached to it. A lot of times I would just shove my requests under the bed. I think maybe you have experienced that as well and I think a lot of women have because I have so many people in my inbox saying, yes, yes, yes, I’m afraid to let my request be made known because it’s going to hurt my mother in law’s feelings or it’s going to hurt my mom’s feelings or it’s going to hurt my sister’s feelings or I would have to tell them that they’re not a part of my inner circle this season. I don’t want to agitate the the waters here, but I would also tell you God is an agitator, as well, and when he agitates things in your life it’s to make your life richer and more free to bring you back into the freedom of Christ. I want to invite you into this moment and help you to be equipped for having these awkward conversations, so you can actually be empowered to let your requests be made known from a position of peace.

life skills worth learning

I want to talk about how to do that and also create some safety for you so you can navigate this season really well because I know you want some relationships repaired. You might not be talking to your mother in law or your mom or your sister about your birth plan, but I know that there is a conversation you are currently avoiding having with someone because it might be awkward. Navigating awkward conversations with friends or family is a life skill worth learning and relationship quality should be a priority. If you are prone to sweeping your requests under the rug so other people feel comfortable, this is for you.

I also want to say that the Lord is unafraid of confrontation. You know, God boldly calls things out in us.

You know what it’s like to be called out in church. And that is done in order to bring us back into the blessing of the freedom of Christ.  Having boundaries and making our requests be made known and acknowledging what makes personal relationships awkward is healthy and good. In order to better equip you for having an awkward conversation from a position of peace, I’m going to actually need you to think of someone that you’re having a hard time with right now or a conversation you’re afraid to engage in with a particular person. Maybe you’re thinking of a difficult family member.

imagine this

Whoever pops into your head first, let’s go with this strained relationship. Now that you have a person in your head or someone in mind, I want you to first be aware of what has made that conversation awkward in the first place and acknowledge and shed light on it. Awkward conversations are usually brought on by a couple different things. Either one person has sinned against one another and it hasn’t been cleaned up and it’s kind of built up over time. You’ll know if that’s you or if it’s them. We have to repent and ask God to forgive us and then go make it right with the other person. Sometimes that’s the reason why we have an awkward conversation with people in the first place, but sometimes you each have a very different vision about an upcoming life event or something that’s taking place and the fear of having different expectations will often feel overwhelming if we dwell on their future. For example, let’s say a mother-in-law is at home right now washing her dishes and she’s envisioning staying with her son and being in his home with his wife and serving that couple and holding the baby, just kind of really immersed herself in the becoming of a grandmother. Cue the scenes from hallmark movies. That’s what she’s dreaming about right now as she’s doing her household chores. Meanwhile, the daughter-in-law is at her home rubbing her belly and picturing what labor is going to be like. She’s going to hold her husband’s hand (after all, this is her most intimate partner) and give birth and then she has it in their head that they’re going to go home, the two of them with this new baby, and be at their home together, just the two of them.

a recipe for an awkward situation

So, without these two women having a conversation about the actual birth or about the life event that’s coming up, you can see how this would be a recipe for awkward conflict later. It’s very nuanced and multifaceted, but the idea here is in order to be equipped to have an awkward conversation is to acknowledge that both people have expectations and both people have played a movie or an idea of how they see this event unfolding. Sometimes they don’t line up. 

And how are they going to feel if they need to be the one to lay down their vision? I use the analogy of giving birth and I really do think the woman who’s giving birth needs to have the final say in letting her requests be made known, because she’s the one doing all the hard work. Regardless of whatever life event you have coming up or the awkward conversation that you need to hold, it’s just the understanding that you have two people that may have wildly different expectations.

But take heart. Learning to have healthy boundaries is crucial, and that’s how you maintain a position of peace, even when other people aren’t in that place to hold peace themselves. I also know that when when your family is chasing after God and desiring to serve him and then you interact with families who don’t believe there is a God, naturally there will be awkward conversations. I want to encourage you with that whole agitation idea–this is where God is not afraid to agitate things in order to present the good news to your family.

the peace of God

These awkward conversations can be so good because they can bring people back to the truth of the Lord. Being open to them is a very good idea. And I do want to add the caveat that what I’m talking about today regarding being equipped for awkward conversations is really designed for two people who are emotionally healthy. I know how difficult it is learning how to create boundaries. This is something that the Lord is absolutely willing to show you how to do and He will provide for you. It’s amazing how the peace of God will meet you right there because God says, be anxious for nothing.

So the question is are you both in a healthy place emotionally? Because two people with different expectations are not a problem. As long as the two people involved are emotionally healthy enough to have a conversation about their different visions, they can come together in peace and have resolution.

You being clear about your expectations and you communicating your vision for, let’s say, something like a family reunion or a family vacation coming up or the holiday season is really important. Getting clear about your expectations while communicating requests and important issues can be done with kindness. In fact, one of the ways that I’m going to equip you today for having an awkward conversation is the way I equip the businesswomen that I work with in sales.

It starts with five words. “Would it be okay if…” 

Would it be okay if we talked about my vision for this birth? 

Would it be okay if we talked about my idea for Christmas this year? 

Hey, would it be okay if we mix things up for the family reunion later this year?

Would it be okay if is non-invasive and gracious.

When you ask permission, people open their hearts. 98% of the time people respond so positively to it and they want to say yes.

People want to be kind to one another when they’re emotionally healthy. 

The final way to be equipped to have an awkward conversation is going to be so obvious. It’s going to be painful, but are you ready? Talk to God about it. I know it’s obvious, but sometimes we just get so in our head and we play these movies or these outcomes that we totally ignore the fact that God is with us always and that he cares always and that he has an active and living word always.

I’m going to encourage you to get in the scriptures. And the Holy Spirit will also bring to mind passages outside of your Bible study to help you move forward. God promises to give you wisdom and insight to move forward. That’s James 5. 

It might be possible when I make my request be made known, that it’s safe and it’s possible each of us have a very different vision, but it’s possible we could come up with a vision together and you could actually experience more harmony with this person by letting go of the thought that they’re going to react terribly to this. If you can lay down that thought and get into the zone of possibility, you’ll realize with a new sense of hope that God is up to something good.

God will help you

Some of us are laying down our peace because we aren’t making our requests be made known. We’re afraid to have the difficult conversation or we have poor communication. Ask the Lord to conquer that spirit of fear in your life. Perfect love casts out all fear and our God is a good, good father. 

I’m so glad you joined me here! If this blog has been helpful to you, I hope you will tell a friend about it. Pass it along to someone that needs to know she never has to lay down her peace, but if she does, she can pick it back up again. Find more at www.leslieburris.com.