Tips for How to Deal with Awkward Family Relationships

Hi there, friend.

If you experience anxiety or worry when it comes to gathering at certain family functions, you may want to learn how to maintain a position of peace and healthy boundaries. Despite awkward moments and difficult situations, better family dynamics are possible. Maybe you won’t achieve hallmark movies status, but you can certainly upgrade the experience.

Have you seen The Family Stone? It’s a movie riddled with awkward family moments and confrontations. Adult children avoid bringing up certain topics because of difficult people in the family unit and the negative emotions that come up. It’s also so funny and entertaining. If you haven’t seen it, I 10/10 recommend. 

It’s one thing to watch these awkward social relationships play out in a movie, but you may be someone who feels really heavy and burdened by a strained relationship or toxic family member. I want to share with you some of the ways that I maintain a position of peace as I engage with awkward family gatherings. Because the truth is, there is no such thing is a perfect family life. If I feel the need to fix something or make something better when I’m spending time with a difficult family member, I tend to lay down my peace.

I’m not a family therapist, but I have learned some lessons in conflict resolution over the years. The main one is that we are salt and light because we are Christians. We are believers and we follow the Lord. We make impact wherever we go whether it’s talked about or it’s not. With that thought foremost in my mind, I pray about how I can contribute best to healthy family relationships. My goal here is to equip you to have great gatherings with your own family, whether it’s around the holidays or any time of year. 

So here are a couple of reasons for awkward gatherings.  

• The first reason is that you are joining two kingdoms. Believers gathering with unbelievers–extended family members–can create tension and family drama. You have people who are in allegiance to the father of darkness and you have people who are in allegiance to the father in heaven. Older adults can be resistant to hearing from younger family members with differing spiritual views. When you get around people who have very different philosophies of life than being in alignment with the God of heaven, there’s going to be a serious problem right there. In the Bible, Jesus talked about that very clearly. He said I came to separate mothers from daughters and and daughters from mother in laws and children against for their fathers. And what Jesus was saying is that when you’re in allegiance with the kingdom of heaven and you’re following the will of the Lord, it is going to be in opposition to those who are not born again. So when you go to a family gathering and you start hearing some of the conversations and it’s just awkward, you have to remember that your worldview might be drastically different from other family members. Some situations would be an absolute no-go for us, though. You have to pray and ask God for guidance about these gatherings and what is appropriate to expose your children to. 

One of the ways that you maintain a position of peace is to understand that there are two kingdoms at play with every single family gathering unless all of you are believers (I’ve heard these types of families exist and what a blessing that must be!). 

• The second reason that family gatherings can be awkward is because there are family members with mental health issues. Maybe they have destructive character traits and need professional help, but nobody is willing to say anything. Have you ever experienced an entire Thanksgiving meal where the family has walked on eggshells around certain members of your family? Awkward! It’s not your job at this family gathering to fix the situation. It is time to share a meal and see what is really happening. And then from there, after the family gathering, you can decide if it’s really a good idea to gather with the family again.

The way that you’re going to maintain a position of peace is to recognize who the person is in your family, the one that everyone tiptoes around, and pray for that person in advance. Also understand that everybody is catering to and lowering the standards just so that person can be a part of the tribe. Your (extended) family system has allowed that person to lead the tribe. 

The good news: people grow, and there is ever-evolving maturity happening. Each family member is on his or her own life course. The older you get, the more you realize your need for Christ. Your family members may go to church, pray together and even do Bible study but there can still be awkwardness and tension. The awkward moments can often come from the fact that they’re they’re just in different place than you are in their spiritual walk. When they say things that you don’t agree with and have different political views or abide by differing medical advice, you disarm your worry by remembering it’s a process of growing in maturity behind the scenes. When I’m around somebody who’s really mature in the faith, who is steadfast and is not easily moved or triggered, those are the people I’m hanging around these days. Becoming one of those people is what brings me a lot of joy. 

And remember, boundaries are good.

You have some family members who love Jesus and they’re just they’re immature in the faith. They’re still on milk. And some of your some of your family members who have been on milk for twenty years, They haven’t gone in-depth in their faith walk, and that’s okay. This is an invitation to become more mature, that we can give people the freedom to have opinions and not make their opinions their identity. You don’t have to be worried when people are immature.  Hear me again. You do not have to be worried about immaturity.  God is not worried about immaturity.  

Here’s how I know that to be true.

I have a I have a daughter who’s gonna be twelve. She’s She’s immature. She is a young woman. She is growing in wisdom, and you guys have heard her here on this podcast if you haven’t listened to the episode about kids and worry.  She’s very eloquent in her communication.

She’s very wise, and  she has so much potential, but she is, at the same time, immature.  She makes decisions that prove she is young in her walk with God and that’s not a problem. She is on spiritual milk. 

Our family members like this have a reason that they think the way they think. And guess what can fix it?  When they read the Bible more and more and more over the next few years and they walk through hard trials and tribulations and God refines them. When he takes them through their sanctification process and they grow in a deeper relationship with the Holy Spirit.  It’s coming for them. He’s coming for them, which means that you don’t have to try to fix people at this family gathering.

You can just appreciate where they are today, which means you can actually have a good time at your family gathering. Isn’t that good news? 

Read the scriptures and follow the Holy Spirit because God knows what’s best in this season. And he says that if you ask him for wisdom, if you actually talk to him and pray, that he will show you the way forward. Remember your most important relationships are with your spouse and children. 

Sometimes we are unable to maintain a position of peace when there is a person who is a part of a family gathering who is being unruly in their character and there is no partnership with that unruliness.  Having boundaries is a way that we to increase our peace. Pray for wisdom when it comes to family bonds and the best ways to handle awkward family gatherings. 

I’ll pop the popcorn and watch The Family Stone and and have a good chuckle, but at the end of the day, we all know it’s not really that funny. I think that there’s a part of us that yearns for that togetherness. We yearn for that restoration. We yearn for that reconciliation. We yearn for a healthy mother and a healthy father emotionally and physically and spiritually. We’re hungry for a sinless world that is to come.  There is a real hunger for that, and that’s okay. 

There is also a way forward where we can enter into awkward family gatherings from a position of peace. The best thing you can do is to start by simply praying, reading the Word, and walking in understanding what’s really behind some of these awkward moments.

If you are navigating difficult family relationships, please know that you are not alone. You may be blessed to visit the Peace on Purpose podcast where I dive into these issues (and more). I believe you don’t have to lay down your peace and that God is in it with you.